Homer, Marge and Maggie are late for Lisa and Barts Schools' Christmas show.
Marge: Ooh! Careful, Homer!
Homer: There's no time. We're late.
Class sings "O Little Town of Bethlehem"
Class: How still we see the elie…
Marge: Sorry. Excuse me. Pardon me. Sorry. Excuse me.
Homer: Hey, Norman, how's it goin'? So you got dragged out here too, huh? How you doin', Fred?
Marge: Sorry. Excuse me.
Homer: Yeah. 'Scuse me. Oh! Pardon my galoshes.
Class: Are met in thee tonight.
Skinner: Wasn't that wonderful. And now 'Santa's of many lands' as presented by the entire second grade class.
Marge: Oh! Lisa's class.
Girl: Frohliche Weihnachten. That's German for 'Merry Christmas'. In Germany, Santa's servant Ruprecht gives presents to good children and whipping rods to the parents of bad ones.
Boy: Merry Kurisumasu. I am Hotseiosha, a Japanese priest who acts like Santa Claus. I have eyes in the back of my head so children better behave when I'm nearby.
The boys turns around to show some eyes in the back of his head. One of the eyes pops out the crowd gasps, then they applaud.
Mr. Largo: Now presenting Lisa Simpson as 'Towanga, the Santa Clause of the South Seas'.
Homer: OH IT'S LISA!!! That's ours.
Lisa juggles fire while tribal rhythms play. The crowd applauds
Skinner: Ah, the fourth grade will now favour us with a melody….er..Medley of Holiday flavorists.
The class sings Jingle Bells
Marge: Isn't Bart sweet? He sings like an angle.
Bart: Oh, Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile lost its wheel and the Joker got awahhhh..
Bart is yanked off stage
Skinner: The Fifth grade will now favour us with a scene form Charles uh…Dicken's Christmas Carol.
Homer: Ohh, how many grades does this school have?
Later, back at the Simpsons house, Homer is going through Christmas lights, Marge is writing a letter, and Lisa and Bart are writing letters to Santa
Marge: Dear Friends of The Simpson Family. We had some sadness and some gladness this year. First, the sadness: our little cat Snowball was unexpectedly run over and went to kitty heaven. But we bought a new little cat, Snowball II, so I guess life goes on. Speaking of live going on, Grandpa is still with us, feisty as ever. Maggie is walking by herself, Lisa got straight A's, and Bart.. well, we love Bart. The magic of the season has touched us all.
Homer: Marge! Haven't you finished that stupid letter yet?
Marge: Homer sends his love, Happy Holidays.
Marge: The Simpsons
Marge finishes her letter
Homer: Marge, where's the extension cord?
Marge: For heaven sakes Homer, it's in the utility drawer.
Homer: Sorry. I'm just a big kid. I love Christmas so much.
Homer opens the drawer to find that the extension cord is tangled up
Marge: All right, children let me have those letters. I'll send them to Santa's workshop at the North Pole.
Bart: Oh please, there's only one fat guy that brings us presents and his name ain't Santa.
Marge: A Pony! Oh Lisa, you have asked for that for the past three years and I keep telling you that Santa cant fit a pony in his sleigh. Can't you take a hint?
Lisa: But I really want a pony and I have been really really good this year.
Marge: huh dear maybe Bart is more realistic. A TATTOO!!!
Homer: A What?
Bart: Yeah, they're cool, and they last for the rest of your life.
Marge: You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas.
Homer: Yeah, if you want one, you'll have to pay for it out of your own allowance.
Bart: All right
Patty: Marge please.
Homer: Who is this?
Patty: May I please speak to Marge?
Homer: This is her sister isn't it?
Patty: Is Marge there?
Homer: Who should I say is calling?
Patty: Marge please.
Homer: It's your sister.
Hands the phone to Marge
Marge: Oh hello.
Patty: Hello Marge, it's Patty. Selma and I couldn't be more excited about seeing our baby sister for Christmas.
Marge: Well, Homer and I are looking forward to your visit too.
Homer: Ah Ah Ah
Patty: Somehow I doubt that Homer is excited. Of all the men you could have married I don't know why you picked…..one who is always so rude to…..
Outside Homer is putting lights up and falls to the ground
Bart: Good one dad.
Homer: Okay kids, prepare to be dazzled. Marge, turn on the juice. What do you think kids?
Lisa: Nice try dad.
Flanders: Hey Simpson.
Homer: What is it Flanders.
Flanders: Do you think this looks okay?
Bart: Oh neat-oh
Homer: Its too bright. Flanders what a big show off.
At the breakfast table
Marge: Kids, do you want to go Christmas shopping?
Lisa: I do!
Bart: All right, the mall!
Marge: Go get your money.
Homer: Tell me Marge, where have you been hiding the Christmas money.
Marge: Oh I have my secrets. Turn around.
Marge pulls out a jar of money out of her hair
Marge:You can look now.
Homer: Oh, big jar this year!
(At the mall Marge and Lisa are looking at the trains and Bart is looking at some tattoos.) (Bart is thinking of what is mother would say.)
Marge: Oh, Bart that's so sweet. Its the best present a mother could get, and it makes you look so dangerous.
(Bart then decides to go into the store and get one.)
Bart: One mother please.
Clerk: Wait a minute. How old are you.
Bart: 21 sir.
Clerk: Get in the chair.
(At the power plant.)
Homer is checking the equipment and saying mh-hmm to everyone even the red flashing
Smithers: Attention all personnel. Please keep working during the following announcement. (Which no one does) And now, our boss and friend, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns: Hello. I'm proud to announce that we've been able to increase safety here at the power plant without increasing the cost to the consumer or affecting management pay increase. However, for you semi-skilled workers, there will be no Christmas bonuses. Oh, and one more thing Merry Christmas.
Homer: Oh thank god for the big jar.
(Back at the mall)
Marge: Where's that Bart
(Marge walks in the store and is shocked to see Bart getting a tattoo with the word Moth on it. She takes him to the doctor that can remove the tattoo.)
Bart: But Mom I thought you would like it.
Doctor: Yes, Mrs. Simpson, we can remove your sons tattoo its a simple routine involving lasers.
Doctor: However, it is expensive we must insist on a cash payment up front.
Marge: Thank god for Homers Christmas bonus.
(The doctor is about to remove Barts tattoo.)
Bart: Ay Crumba
Doctor: Now what ever you do boy don't squirm you don't want this sucker near your eye or your groin.
(Back at home)
Lisa touches Barts arm.
Bart: Ow! Quit it
Lisa does it again
Bart: Ow! Quit it
Lisa does it once again
Bart: Ow! Quit it
Maggie touches his arm this time
Bart: Ow! Quit it
Homer: Hey, what's this?
Homer touches Barts arm
Bart: Ow! Quit it. It used to be a boss tattoo.
Lisa: But Mom had to spend all the Christmas money to have it surgically removed.
(Marge comes in and shows Homer the empty jar.)
Homer: Oh its true the jar is empty oh my god we're ruined Christmas is canceled no presents for anyone.
Marge: Don't worry Homer we have to stretch your Christmas bonus even further this year.
Homer: Oh yeah my Christmas bonus hee hee how silly of me this will be best Christmas yet. The best any family had hee hee hee.
(Homer then goes out side and looks and his house and then looks at Flanders house.)
(Homer and Marge are in bed)
Marge: I get the feeling there's something you haven't told me Homer.
Homer: Huh? Oh, I love you Marge.
Marge: Homer, you tell me that all the time.
Homer: Oh good, because I do love you. I don't deserve you as much as a guy with a fat wallet and a credit card that wont set off that horrible beeping.
Marge: Well, I think it does have something to do with your Christmas bonus. I keep asking for it, but….
Homer: Marge…Oh…Let me be honest with you..
Homer: Well…I…I want to do the Christmas shopping this year!
Marge: Well, sure okay. (lights go out and Homer smiles).
(Homer at the store shopping)
Homer: Marge Marge lets see oh look pantyhose practical and alluring a six pac oh only 4.99. Ohh pads of paper I bet Bart could think of a million things to do with these. That just leaves little Maggie. Oh look a little squeak toy it says its for dogs well she cant read.
(Homer then runs into Ned Flanders and all the boxes hits the ground.)
Flanders: Oh, ho ho Simpson, its you
Homer: Hello Flanders.
Flanders: Oh my, what a little mess we've have here. Well, which ones are yours and which ones are mine?
Homer: Well, lets see.
Flanders: Well this ones mine and this ones mine heh heh this ones mine and….
Homer: They're all yours!
Todd: Hey Mr. Simpson you dropped your porckchop.
Homer: Give me that
Flanders: Well Happy Holidays Simpson.
Todd: Gee dad this is going to be the best Christmas ever.
Flanders: You bet
Moe: What's the matter Homer did someone leave a lump of coal in your stocking you've
been sitting there sucking on a beer all day long.
Moe: So its Christmas (Moe hands Homer a candycane
Homer: Thanks Moe.
Barney: Drinks all around.
Homer: What's with the crazy get up Barn?
Barney: I got me a part time job working as a Santa down at the mall
Homer: Wow can I do that?
Barney: I dunno. They're pretty selective. (Burp)
(At the Mall)
Manager: Do you like children?
Homer: What do you mean? All the time? Even when they're nuts?
Homer: I certainly do.
Manager: Welcome aboard Simpson pending your completion of our training program that is.
All Santa's are saying Ho Ho Ho
Teacher: What is it now Simpson
Homer: When do we get paid?
Teacher: Not a dime till Christmas Eve. Now from the top
Continued with Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho
Homer: Um Dasher..Dancer…..Prancer….Nixon…Comet and Cupid Donna Dixon?
Teacher: Sit down Simpson
Homer: And what would you like little boy
Teacher: Your not really Santa tubby.
Homer: Why you little….
Teacher: Hey Homer if such an emergence arises just tell them Santa is very busy this
time of year and your one of his helpers
Homer: doh I knew that one too.
Marge: Homer why are you 7 hours late
Homer: Not a word Marge I am heading straight for the tub.
Marge: Homer my sisters are here. Don't you want to say hello
Bart & Lisa: Daddy Daddy
Lisa: Where so glad to see you.
Bart: Your finally home
Homer: huh What oh yeah Hello Patty hello Selma how was your trip.
Homer: You both look well
Selma: Thank You
Homer: Well yeah, Merry Christmas.
Patty: Hmm its Christmas you wouldn't know it around here.
Homer: And why is that.
Selma: For one thing there's no tree.
Homer: Well I was just on my way out to get one.
Lisa: Can we go to dad
Bart: Yeah can we.
(Homer is driving looking for a cheap Christmas Tree lot.)
(Homer saws down a Christmas Tree)
Man: Hey Buddy what do you think you are doing?
Homer: Uh Oh
Man: Hey come back here.
(Back at the house.)
Homer: So what do you think. Beauty isn't it.
Lisa: Way to go dad.
Selma: Why is there a birdhouse in it.
Homer: Oh That's an ornament.
Patty: Do I smell gun powder.
(At the mall)
Boy: And then I want some rubber toys and then I want a gook monster and I want I great big……
Homer: Ah son you don't need all that junk. I'm sure you already got something much more important a decent home and a loving father that would do anything for you hey I cant afford lunch give me a bite of that donut.
Milhouse: Get a look at that quote UN quote Santa.
Lewis: I cant believe them kids are falling for it.
Bart: Hey Milhouse I dare you to sit on his lap.
Milhouse: Oh yeah well I dare you to yank his beard off.
Bart: Ah Touche,
Girl: I hope you feel better Santa
Homer: Oh I will when Mrs. Clause's sisters get out of town. Thanks for listening kid.
Bart: Hey Santa what's shaken
Homer: What's your name Bart…ner Uh little partner?
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson who the hell are you?
Homer: I'm jolly old Saint Nick.
Bart: Oh yeah will just see about that. (Bart pulls off Homers beard.) HOMER.
Homer: I want a word with you in Santa's Workshop little boy cover for me Alphy.
Bart: Don't kill me dad I didn't know it was you.
Homer: Nobody knows its a secret I didn't get my bonus this year but to keep the family from missing out on Christmas I'd do anything.
Bart: I'll say dad you must really love us so much to sink so low
Homer: Well lets not get mushy son I still have a job to do hey little ones Santa's back ho ho…Yo dammit dah (Homer hits his head.)
(Homer getting paid.)
Homer: Ah son one day your going to learn the satisfaction of payday receiving a big fat check for a job well done.
Lady: Simpson, Homer here you go.
Homer: Come on son lets go cash this baby and get presents for……ahhh 13 bucks. Hey wait a minute.
Lady: That's right. $120 gross, less Social Security….
Lady: Less unemployment insurance….
Lady: less Santa training
Homer: Santa training?
Lady: less costume purchase
Homer: Wait a minute….
Lady: less beard rental
Lady: less Christmas club
Lady: See you next year.
Bart: Come on dad lets go home.
Homer: 13 bucks. You cant get anything for 13 bucks.
Barney: All right 13 big ones Springfield's Downs here I come.
Barney: You heard me I am going to the dog track. I got a hot puppy in the fourth race.
Want to come.
Homer: Sorry Barney I maybe a total wash out of a father but I'm not going to take my kid to a sleazy dog track on Christmas Eve.
Barney: Ay come on Simpson the dogs name is Whirlwind Ten to one shot. Money in the bank.
Bart: Aw come on dad. This could be the miracle that saves the Simpsons Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, its that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim it happened to Charlie Brown it happened to the Smurfs and it going to happen to us.
Homer: Well, okay lets go. Who's Tiny Tim.
(At the Simpsons home.)
Everyone is watching the Happy Little Elves.
Lisa: Oh No
Grandpa: Oh Brother.
Selma: Where's your husband
Patty: Yeah its getting late
Marge: Well he said he went caroling with Bart.
(At the Dog Track)
(Barney and Bart sing where in the money.)
Homer: I cant believe I'm doing this.
Kid: Can we open our presents now dad.
Dad: You know the tradition son not till the 8th race.
Homer: Hey Barney which one is Whirlwind.
Barney: Number 6. That's our lucky dog right over there. He won he last five races.
Homer: What that scroney little bag of bones.
Bart: Come on dad they're all scroney little bag of bones.
Homer: Yeah your right. I guess Whirlwind is our only hope for a Merry Christmas.
Announcer: Attention racing fans we have a late scratch in the fourth race. Number 8 Sir Galahad will be replaced by Santa's Little Helper once again Sir Galahad has been replaced by Santa's Little Helper.
Homer: Ah Bart did you here that what a name Santa's Little Helper what a name its a sign its an omen.
Bart: Its a coincidence dad.
Homer: What are the odds on Santa's Little Helper?
Man: 99 to 1
Homer: WOW 99 times 13 equals Merry Christmas.
Bart: I got a bad feeling about this.
Homer: Don't you believe in me son.
Homer: Come on, boy. Sometimes your faith is all that keeps me going.
Bart: Oh Go for it dad.
Homer: That my boy. Everything on Santa's little Helper
(Back at home)
Grandpa: Unadulterated pap
Patty: Its almost 9:00
Selma: Where is Homer anyway?
Patty: Its typical of the big dufus to spoil it all.
Lisa: What Aunt Patty?
Patty: Oh nothing dear. I'm just trashing your father.
Lisa: Well, I wish that you wouldn't because aside from the fact that he has the same frailties as all human beings, he's the only father I have. Therefore, he is my model of manhood, and my estimation of him will govern the prospects of my adult relationships. So I hope you bare in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me, and I'm far too young to defend myself against such onslaughts.
Patty: Mn hm. Go watch your cartoon show, dear.
(Back at the race)
Homer: Come on Bart kiss the ticket for good luck. Not that we need it.
Announcer: Here comes Shirley the mechanical rabbit. And there off. Its Whirlwind in the lead (Homer and Bart cheers for there dog.) and coming up on the left is Quaduped followed by Dog of War and Fito. (Bart and Homer continues to cheer for there dog go Santa's little Helper) Dog of War coming up fast on the outside and in last place is Santa's Little Helper
Homer: Dohhh gees
Bart: Don't worry dad. Maybe this is just for suspense before the miracle happens.
Homer: Come on you stupid dog.
Bart: Come on boy.
(Both Homer and Bart continues to cheer)
Announcer: Whirlwind by a country mile followed by Dog of War.
Bart: It doesn't seem possible but I guess TV has betrayed me.
Homer: I don't want leave till I dog finishes. Ah forget it lets go.
(Outside the Dog track Bart and Homer looks for a winning ticket.)
Homer: Find any winners son?
Bart: Sorry dad
(Barney drives up)
Barney: Hey Simpson what did I tell you Whirlwind. Lets go Daria. (They drive off.)
Man: Beat it scram get lost you came in last for the last time.
Bart: Look dad its Santa's Little Helper.
Man: And don't come back.
Homer: Oh no you don't no no get away from me.
Bart: Oh, can we keep him dad please.
Homer: But he's a loser He's pathetic he's….. a Simpson.
(Back at home.)
Marge: Hmm maybe we should call the police.
Patty: Um he'll sober up
Selma: Yeah come staggering home
Patty: Um-mm smelling like cheap perfume.
(Homer and Bart comes walking in)
Grandpa: What What huh
Homer: Look everybody I have a confession to make.
Patty: This should be good.
Homer: I didn't get my Christmas bonus I tried to not let it ruin Christmas for everybody but no matter what I did….
Bart: Hey everybody look what we got.
Lisa: A dog all right dad.
Marge: God bless him.
Lisa: So love at first sight is possible.
Bart: And if he runs away he'll be easy to catch.
Marge: This is the best gift of all Homer.
Homer: It is.
Marge: Yes, something to share our love and frighten away prowlers.
Lisa: What's he's name.
Homer: Number 8 Uh I mean Santa's Little Helper.
All: Rudolph the Red nosed reindeer, Had a very shiny nose and if you ever saw it you
would even say it glows.
Bart: Like a lightbulb.
All: All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.
Lisa: Like Schnozzola!
All: They never let poor Rudolph, Join in any reindeer games
Bart: Like strip poker!
Homer: I'm warning you two.
All: Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say,
Marge: Take it Homer.
Homer: Err…Rudolph, get your nose over here, So you can drive my sleigh….today.
Marge: Oh Homer…..
All: Then all the reindeer loved him, and they shouted out with glee… Rudolph the red nose reindeer you'll go down in history
Bart: Like Attila the HH——ught urk!
Homer: You litte…grrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!