Lard Of The Dance

At the 'Try-N-Save'

Lisa: Look Dad, they've got every kind of paper: Loose-leaf, graph, unlined…<gasps>…college-ruled.

Homer: Can't you just write on your arm like I do?

In red ink on Homer's arm it reads "Red=Meltdown".

Bart hums while grabbing lots of paper clips and rubber bands and putting them in Marge's trolley.

Marge: All you're getting is rubber bands and paper clips? Don't you need a notebook or something?

Bart: Nah, these day's everything's done on computers.

Bart grabs two staplers and starts shooting staples into a cardboard man's head

Bart: And staplers. Computers and staplers.

Bart throws the staplers into the trolley.

Marge: <grumbles>

Lisa picks up a "Krusty's Speak-and-Say" toy.

Lisa: Krusty's Speak-and-Say?

Lisa pulls the chord.

Krusty Toy: S is for shiksa. S-H-I….hmmm….I think there's a T in there somewhere. Ah, look it up.

Milhouse spots Lisa.

Milhouse: <gasps> Lisa! Stay cool, Milly.

Milhouse grabs a gluestick, slicks his hair back with it, and raises his glasses onto his head. He then walks right into a pen display and falls over. He stands up while picking up pens, pretending like nothing happened. Lisa comes over.

Milhouse: Oh, hi, Lisa. Did you have a nice summer? Don't you hate that we have to go back to stupid school tomorrow?

Lisa: I like school.

Milhouse: Me too! We have so much in common.

Lisa: You have a pen glued to your cowlick.

Milhouse: If you don't like it, it's gone!

Milhouse pulls the pen off his head, along with a huge chunk of his hair.

Milhouse: Uh, you want this?

Lisa: <disgusted> No.

At the Kwik-E-Mart

Homer: Yo, Apu, give me the usual.

Apu: Yes sir. One Kwik-E-Dog, one bubble gum cigar, and the latest issue of Success Magazine.

Homer takes a bite of the Kwik-E-Dog.

Homer: Hey, this hot dog tastes different.

Apu: Yes, I just cleaned out the machine, sir. So the snack you are enjoying has not been soaking in putrid grease.

Homer: Yeah, but without the grease, all you can taste is the hog anus.

Apu: I'm so sorry but I sold it all to the rendering plant.

Homer: People buy grease?

Apu: Oh, yes. They use it to make products such as soap, cosmetics, baby good.

Homer: Used grease is worth money? <gasps> Then my arteries are clogged with yellow gold! I'm rich, Apu! Rich and…

Homer clutches at his heart. He groans, and eventually sighs with relief. While tapping his heart he says…

Homer: Ahh. Money in the bank.

Back at home, Homer's frying up some bacon.

Homer: Okay, this bacon's done.

Homer picks up the bacon and throws it onto the floor in front of Santa's Little Helper.

Homer: And now for the profit taking. <chuckles>

Homer pours the grease into a tin that Bart's holding.

Bart: Uh, dad, I don't think the dog can handle any more bacon.

Santa's Little Helper: <wheeze>

Homer: Looks like he's about ready for another squeezin'.

Marge: Homer! That side of bacon was for my bridge game tonight.

Homer: Marge, if you don't mind, I'm a little busy right now achieving financial indepence.

Marge: With cans of grease?

Homer: <sarcastically> No. With savings and wise investments. <forcefully> Of course, with grease.

Lisa: Come on, Bart. The bus is here.

Bart puts on his backpack. Homer grabs him.

Homer: Where do you think you're going?

Bart: It's the first day of school.

Homer: Not for you it isn't. You're in the grease business now.

At Springfield Elementary, Ralph is standing in front of the class with both his eyes taped up.

Ralph: Then the doctor told me that both my eyes were lazy. And that's why it was the best summer ever.

Miss Hoover: <unimpressed> Thank you, Ralph. Now take your seat.

Ralph walks out of the classroom. From the corridor we hear Nelson.

Nelson: Hey Blindy, have a nice trip!

Ralph: <screams>

Nelson: Haw-haw

Principal Skinner comes on the speaker.

Skinner: Attention, please. I need a volunteer for a thankless chore.

Lisa raises her hand.

Skinner: Shall I assume the only hand in the air is Lisa Simpson's? Thank you, Lisa.

In Skinner's office.

Skinner: We have a new student, Lisa, and I want you to show her the works. The lunchroom, the tree. But when you get to the trophy case, give her some cock and bull story. They're out for cleaning or whatever.

Lisa: Don't worry. I'll help her out. I remember how hard it was to be an outsider. Always trying to fit in. Never quite feeling like…

Skinner: Lisa, I'd like you to meet Alex Whitney.

Alex: Your name's Lisa? Shut up. I love that name.

Lisa: Did she just tell me to shut up?

Skinner: Take it outside.

Lisa: You'll want a locker in this hallway. It's library-adjacent.

Alex sprays perfume.

Lisa: Is that perfume?

Alex: Don't be such a Phoebe. It's Pretension by Calvin Klein. Wanna try some?

Alex sprays it in Lisa's face.

Lisa: <coughs> mmm-mm

Alex: K, so what's the haps in Springfield? What do you guys, like, do for fun?

Lisa: well, you'll definitely wanna get yourself a good doll. The new Malibu Stacy has an achievable chest.

Alex: Dolls? Really? Okay, what else you got?

Lisa: Oh, jacks. Jacks are big. They went out for a while but then they came roaring back.

Alex: Oh, you mean that game with the little rubber ball?

Lisa: Oh, don't worry. You'll pick it up fast. Once you get to foursies, you're in the zone.

Alex: Uh-huh. Isn't that trophy case supposed to have trophies?

Lisa: Uh, they were all wiped out in the big trophy fire.

Skinner: Ah, I see the trophies are still out for cleaning, eh, Lisa? <chuckles>

Lisa giggles nervously. Down at the Grease Recycling Plant, Homer's grease is being weighed on a machine.

Homer: Okay, boy. This is where all the hard work, sacrifice and painful scaldings pay off.

Employee: Four pounds of grease … that comes to … sixty-three cents.

Homer: Woo-hoo!

Bart: Dad, all that bacon cost twenty-seven dollars.

Homer: Yeah, but your mom paid for that!

Bart: But doesn't she get her money from you?

Homer: And I get my money from grease! What's the problem?

An "Acne Grease Co." truck passes by Homer and Bart.

Homer: Wow! Look at that load of grease. Boy, if we're ever going to earn paper money, we have to expand our operation.

Bart: Um, I don't know how much more school I can miss.

Homer: Oh, you'll miss plenty! I have a feeling this business is going to consume our whole lives.

In the school cafeteria, Lisa walks over to her girl friends chattering away.

Lisa: Alex, over here! Okay if the new girl sits with us?

Girls: Ok, I guess.

Lisa: She's a little weird, but let's give her a chance. Guys, this is Alex.

Girls: Hi. Hi there.

Alex: Ooh, twins! Which one is the evil one? <laughs>

Lisa: <laughs nervously> Okay! I'll go get our lunches.

Allison: So, Alex. Uh, we've…

Alex's mobile phone rings

Alex: Just a sec. <into phone> Hello?

Girls: <gasps>

Alex: Oh, yeah, like I'd be seen with a Discover card.

Alex hangs up.

Sherri: You have a cell phone?

Terri: And a purse?!

From the lunch counter, Lisa mock-coaches Alex

Lisa: That's it, don't be shy. Now maybe a little joke to break the ice.

Lisa sees the girls break into loud laughter.

Lisa: Or a big joke.

Lisa watches Alex stand up and show off her outfit.

Lisa: Careful now, nobody likes a showoff.

Lisa sees the girls walk out of the cafeteria quickly.

Lisa: Where are they going? Hey, wait up!

Lisa quickly pays the cashier and carries the two trays a few steps before coming to a realization.

Lisa: They left without me.

Milhouse: Oh, Lisa! I've got an extra seat, and you've got an extra lunch. Heh, catch my drift, heh?

Skinner: Milhouse, lower those eyebrows!

Milhouse lowers one eyebrow.

Skinner: And the other one!

Milhouse lowers the other one. Lisa stares down the corridor where her friends went, and groans.

Lisa: So there I am, being nice to Alex, and she takes all of my friends and ditches me!

Marge: I'm sure they didn't ditch you, honey. Maybe they went off to plan a surprise party for you.

Bart: <laughs loudly> Yeah! Good one, Mom!

Lisa: They only like her because she acts so grown-up with her perfume, and her cell phone, and… oh, and get this, Mom. She drinks iced tea!

Homer: Lisa, I can't imagine anyone being more likable than you. But apparently this new girl is. So my advice would be to start copying her in every way.

Lisa: But, Dad!

Homer: Ah, ah! Think! Is that what Alex would say?

At school the next day.

Alex: Oh, there you are! Listen, I'm sorry I ran out on you yesterday, but the girls couldn't wait to show me that tree.

Lisa: <deflated> Huh, don't give it a second thought, huh, I didn't.

Alex: Anyway, I got you a little present.

Alex gives Lisa some earrings.

Lisa: <gasps> Oh! Earrings! Wow, thank you so much, Alex! Oh, but these are for pierced ears.

Terri: Yeah! Aren't they great?

Sherri: Alex did ours.

Alex: Yeah, all you need is a thumbtack and a whole lot of paper towels.

Lisa: Uh, but… I don't think I'm ready for pierced ears.

Alex: Well, maybe you can put them on your doll.

All the girls laugh.

Alex: Just kidding, Lis'. I'm sure you'll be ready someday.

Skinner: Oh, Lisa, I was hoping I could count on you again to spearhead our annual school-wide apple pick.

Lisa: Absolutely.

Alex: Apple…pick?

Lisa: Yeah, it's great! We have pony rides, sing-alongs, apple bobbing, apple picking, apple everything!

Skinner: Ah, you forgot apple bobbing.

Lisa: No, I didn't.

Allison: Didn't your old school have apple-picks?

Alex: No, we weren't big on fruit. We were more into, like, dances. You know, things that are fun.

Terri: A dance? Great idea, Alex.

Sherri: Yeah. Principal Skinner, can we have a dance instead?

Girls: Oh, yeah. Please? Let's do it.

Skinner: Well, uh…we've never had a dance before. Lisa, you'd be doing all the work. What do you think?

Lisa: Mmm, I don't know. The ponies might be startled by the loud music.

Skinner: Well, there wouldn't be ponies.

Lisa: Oh. Then, at the risk of being unpopular, I think I'm gonna have to say…

Lisa looks at the girls, and they all look back with pleading eyes. The next scene is Lisa putting up a sign that says 'School Dance Friday'.

Skinner: School dance? I didn't approve any school dance!

Lisa: Yes you did, yesterday! Right by my locker!

Skinner: Oh, yes. Yes. Um, carry on.

Homer and Bart drive past Springfield Elementary while Bart looks out his window at all the children playing. They stop at Krusty Burger.

Bart: When you want grease, go to the source. Good old Krusty Burger.

Homer: Oh, I'll say. Look at that red-headed kid. There must be twenty dollars worth of grease on his forehead alone.

Bart: I was thinking more of the deep-fryer.

Homer: All right, we'll try it your way.

Homer and Bart go behind the counter towards a pimple-faced teen at a fryer.

Pimple-Faced Teen: Can I help you, sir?

Homer leans right into the teen's face.

Homer: My God, you're greasy.

Pimple-Faced Teen: Mr. Maruka, Help!

At the back of the store, Homer shovels grease into the back of his car from a large container.

Bart: Mom's gonna kill you.

Homer: If she didn't want her car ruined, she should've done a better job hiding her keys.

The grease in the car suddenly starts to drain out.

Homer: Hey, what the…?

Two men in orange uniforms are standing next to a large truck with a hose leading from it into Homer's car.

Homer: Hey! Hey! You're taking our grease!

Man #1: It's our grease now.

The man takes Homer's shovel and hits Homer on the head with it.

Homer: Daahhh!!

Man #2: We run the grease racket in this town.

The men start to leave.

Homer: Hey, that's my shovel!

Man #1: We also run the shovel racket.

The two men enter their truck labeled 'Acne Grease And Shovel' and drive away. They honk their horn.

Down at Donner's Party Supplies.

Lisa: Okay. Girls, we're gonna need balloons, crepe paper, party hats…

Alex: Whoa, you've got a Dingo Junction here?

All the girls run into the store, and Lisa follows them, walking. Upbeat music plays as all the girls step out of the change rooms, posing while wearing fancy outfits. Lisa steps out wearing her normal clothes and holding a sexy black dress.

Lisa: I am not wearing this.

Alex: Oh, come on, Lisa. It's totally you. Just, you know, add some accessories, lip gloss, maybe drop five pounds…

Lisa: Aren't we a little young for make-up, and…what do you mean, five pounds?

Janey: Well you want to look nice for your date.

Lisa: Date?

Alex: Hello. For the dance. Eh.

Lisa: You guys have dates?

Sherri: Hello.

Lisa: Stop saying "hello"!

Alex: Okay, calm down, Lisa. DMY.

Lisa: What's DMY?

Alex: Don't Mess Yourself.

Lisa: Eww.

Alex: Yeah, that's why we changed it to DMY.

Allison: Don't worry, Lisa. There's still plenty of time. You'll get a date.

Lisa: I don't want a date! And I don't want to wear perfume and cocktail dresses. Am I the only one who just wants to play hopscotch and bake cookies and watch The McLaughlin Group? Hello?

The girls walk away.

Lisa: <quietly> Hello?

Back at home, Homer's on the couch with Marge.

Homer: Oh, I can't believe those goons muscled me out of my grease business. I've been muscled out of everything I've ever done. Including my muscle-for-hire business.

Marge: My poor Homie. Couldn't you try some other far-out moneymaking scheme?

Homer: Ahh, what's the point?

Marge: You could raise some emus…

Homer: Emus! Really? Ooh, that's pretty crazy. Nah, I'd only fail, just like I fail at everything.

Bart: Hey Dad, I've been thinking. What if instead of giving up on grease, we go for one last big score?

Homer: Wait a minute. The boy's right! I can't quit now! Aww … you always know just what to say to cheer me up. Emu farm? <laughs> You're priceless, Marge!

Homer and Bart leave the room, slamming the door behind.

Marge: <grumbles>

At Springfield Elementary, Nelson sits at a table outside with Wendell, Ralph, Lewis, and Database.

Nelson: The thing about huckleberries is, once you've had fresh, you'll never go back to canned.

Principal Skinner walks up to them.

Nelson: Nuh, um…uh, so anyway, I kicked the guy's ass.

Skinner nods and leaves.

Nelson: Now, if the berries are too tart, I just dust them with confectioner's sugar.

Boys: Oh, good secret.

Lisa: Hey guys.

Lisa's standing next to them wearing the black cocktail dress, red platform shoes, lipstick and earrings. She tries to walk over to them, but stumbles a few times due to her platforms.

Lisa: <chuckles>

Wendell: Hi, Lisa.

Nelson: Are you all right?

Lisa: No doubt! <laughs> Can't a girl fabulize herself before the big dance?

Nelson: You're earlobe's bleeding.

Lisa: Oh. So, I guess major muffins like yourselves all have dates, huh?

Wendell: You better believe it.

Lisa: Really? All of you?

Database: Uh, we all have dates, Lisa.

Lewis: Everyone does.

Ralph: Even me!

Lisa: Unbelievable!

Lisa falls backwards due to her large shoes. Her shoes come off her feet and stay where they are. Milhouse is in the nurse's office, sporting a massive wedgie.

Nurse: Another wedgie?

Milhouse: Uh-huh.

Nurse: Hang on. I'll get my forceps.

Milhouse: Oh, hurry.

Lisa: <puffing> Milhouse, oh, I've been looking all over for you. Heh, heh, listen, you've always had a crush on me, right? Well, this is your lucky day, 'cause you're gonna take me to the dance, pretty great, huh? See ya!

Milhouse: Oh, but I can't! I already asked somebody.

Lisa: So un-ask her!

Milhouse: But that wouldn't…

Lisa: <grabbing Milhouse's shirt> You're taking me, you got that? And it's gonna be a magical evening!

Lisa sees the sweat pouring off Milhouse's face, and her reflection in his glasses.

Lisa: Oh! What am I doing? This isn't me! I'm sorry, Milhouse.

Lisa runs off.

Milhouse: I'm free next weekend! There's plenty of Milhouse to go around!

That night, Homer drives out of his garage with 6 steel drums on the side of his car, and a vacuum cleaner on the roof with 6 tubes coming out of it into the drums, and 1 for sucking up the grease.

Homer: All right, son. We're about to embark on our most difficult mission. Let's bow our heads in prayer. Dear Lord, I know You're busy, seeing as how You can watch women changing clothes and all that. But if You help us steal this grease tonight, I promise we'll donate half the profits to charity.

Bart: Dad, He's not stupid.

Homer: All right, screw it, let's roll!

Homer plants his foot, and as the car turns, all the drums fall off the car.

Homer: Hmm … I knew I should've attached those somehow.

Lisa's in her room looking through a microscope.

Lisa: Lucky parameciums. You don't have to worry about finding dates or dancing.

The parameciums pair themselves up and all start to move around as though they're dancing.

Lisa: <groans>

Marge: Lisa! I made you some homemade Pepsi for the dance! It's a little thick, but the price is right!

Lisa: Thanks, Mom, but I told you I'm not going.

Marge: Oooh, so you don't have a date. You can still go and have a wonderful time.

Lisa: You don't understand, I don't belong there. The other girls are already into fashion and make-up and dating…they make me feel like a little baby.

Marge: Aw, honey, a baby couldn't have organized a big school dance. Unless, it was especially skilled…or one of those super-babies from Brazil.

Lisa: Forget it Mom, I'm not going.

Marge: But they're counting on you to take tickets. And if you sit there with a brave little smile and a festive bow…why you could be the belle of the ball!

Lisa: Mom, you can't possibly believe that.

Marge: I have to, honey. Or, you can stay here, and we'll have our own dance. <to the tune of C&C Music Factory's 'Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)'> Every Simpson dance now! Bump, bump, bump bump, bump…

Lisa: I'll go.

Homer's in the car talking to Bart while on their way to get grease.

Homer: This better work, boy. I don't wanna wind up working on your mother's emu farm.

Bart: Don't worry. This is the score we been dreaming about. The grease traps in this kitchen have never been emptied.

The car pulls up to Springfield Elementary. Homer runs the hose from his car to the ventilation duct he's standing next to.

Homer: Okay, turn on the suction.

Bart turns on the vacuum cleaner. It starts to whir. Homer looks inquisitively at the hose he's holding.

Homer: It's not working.

He puts his face close to it, and it gets sucked into the hose.

Homer: <screams>

Homer manages to pull the hose off his face. His eye is popping out of its socket.

Bart: Woah!

Homer: What is it?

Bart: Uh, nothing.

At Springfield Elementary, Lisa is sitting at a table outside the school gym with a bow in her hair, taking people's tickets and stamping their hands.

Lisa: <miserably> Enjoy the dance.

A couple enters through the doors and dance music is head playing which disco lights shine through the door's opening. Milhouse and his date approach Lisa's table.

Milhouse: Wow, Lisa. I really admire your guts. You came here all by yourself at the risk of being labeled a dateless wonder.

Lisa stamps Milhouse's hand really hard.

Milhouse: Ow!

Lisa: <smugly> It slipped.

Milhouse and his date enter the gym. Lisa takes her bow from her hair and tosses it into the bin.

Lisa: Ah, it's gonna be a long night.

Meanwhile, Homer and Bart break into the school cafeteria via the ventilation ducts.

Bart: Where's the hose?

Homer: Bringin' up the rear.

Bart: Are you as excited as I am?

Homer: Oh yeah. Well, here goes.

Homer dips the hose into the big container for grease and it starts sucking it up.

Homer: And now, we wait. So, is this your school?

Bart: Well, it used to be.

At that moment, Groundskeeper Willie enters the kitchen. He walks over to the sink and begins to scrub under his armpits with a Brillo pad and Ajax soap while whistling a song similar to the popular folk song //'Jenny Jenkins'. Homer and Bart attempt to sneak away but Willie catches them.//

Willie: Eek! I mean, 'ach!' I mean…what are you doin' 'ere?

Homer: Uh, buh, buh, we're new foreign exchange students from…uh, um…Scotland!

Willie: Saints be praised, I'm from Scotland! Where do ya hail from?

Homer: Uh…North…Kilttown.

Willie: No foolin'! I'm from North Kilttown! Do you know Angus McCloud?

Homer: Wait a minute! There's no Angus McCloud in North Kilttown! Why, you're not from Scotland at all!

Willie: Ach, don't be daft. I was born and rai…

Willie notices the hose.

Willie: Hey, what the? <gasps> My retirement grease!

Homer and Bart make their escape through the ventilation ducts

Willie: No! You thievin' grease bandits! I'll kill ya! Wait up!

Homer and Bart scramble on their hands and needs through the ducts trying to escape while Willie is close behind. Homer whimpers as he feels he's going to get caught. Willie grabs Homer's leg.

Willie: Dargh! Not so fast, boy-o! Well, if it was up to me, I'd let ya go. But the lads have a temper, and they've been drinkin' all day!

Willie starts pummeling Homer's head with both his fists.

Homer: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop pummeling me! It's really painful!

Willie: All right, fine. I'll strangle ya for a while!

Willie grabs the hose and puts it around Homer's head. He pulls tight, and while Homer groans, his left eye pops out. Back at Lisa's table, and she's busy stamping her arm with a star stamp. Skinner comes out of the gym.

Skinner: Lisa! I have to run home. I need you to keep an eye on the dance.

Lisa: Oh, I don't want to go in there, with all the happy dancing couples…

Skinner: Normally I wouldn't ask, but, uh, it's an emergency. Mother has a June bug cornered in the basement and she needs me to finish it off. Come on, chop, chop.

Lisa: All right, all right, DMY!

Skinner: I know what that means, young lady!

Lisa: <sighs>

Lisa opens the gym doors and looks inside.

Lisa: Huh?

She sees all the boys on one side, and all the girls on the other side. They all look really nervous and shy. Alex comes up to her.

Alex: Oh, Lisa, it's terrible. Okay, this dance has gone Titanic!

Lisa: What happened?

Alex: Well, the boys and girls are, like, afraid of each other. They're acting like a bunch of…

Lisa: Kids?

Alex: I know! What is up with that?

Lisa: It's because they are kids! And so are we! Come on, Alex, we've only got nine, maybe ten years tops where we can giggle in church, and chew with our mouths open and go days without bathing! We'll never have that freedom again.

Alex: Mmm. Listen, you can giggle and stink all you want, but I have a credit card, so <blows raspberry> on you.

Alex walks off.

Lisa: <grumbles>

Willie continues to choke Homer with the hose which is trying to suck up grease.

Bart: Uh, guys? Guys? The hose!

The hose swells with grease.

Homer: Bart, please. The groundskeeper and I are trying to settle this like adults.

The hose then explodes in a fountain of grease, shooting the three through the vents. They all scream.

Martin: <yawns>

Tiny snow flakes start to fall on Martin. He looks up.

Martin: Huh? Look, it's snowing!

The fan in the ventilation duct is chopping up the grease and turning it into grease flakes. All the children gather around in amazement to watch it fall down. Ralph catches a flake on his tongue.

Ralph: Ah, the snowflake tastes like fish sticks!

Bart: <screams>

Bart rides a wave of grease out one of the vents into the gym. Willie and Homer do the same. The entire gym is covered in grease. Milhouse picks some up and licks it.

Milhouse: It's like a hamburger milk shake.

Children: <laughing>

Nelson: Here comes a grease ball.

Luigi enters the gym holding 5 pizzas.

Luigi: Hey! Luigi bring-a you kids-a free pizza! Why you hafta make-a the fun, ah?

Kids begin throwing the grease at each other, making greasemen out of it, laughing, skating and having all sorts of fun, Homer runs about, trying to take it all back and keep it in his pockets.

Homer: Oh, that's my grease! It's mine! Give it here!

Alex: They're playing in grease? Yargh!

Lisa: Oh, act your age.

Lisa throws a grease ball at Alex, hitting her in the side of the head.

Lisa: <laughs>

Alex: Oh.

Alex looks at Lisa angrily, then quickly smiles.

Alex: You are so dead. <laughs>

Lisa: <laughs>

Alex picks up a grease ball and chases after Lisa.

Lisa: Woah!

Alex: Ow! There was bacon in that.

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