Kamp Krusty

In Bart's class …

Edna Krabappel: Well children, it's the last day of school.

Students: Yay!

Edna Krabappel: Here are your grades.

Hands Bart his grades. They're all F-.

Bart: Oh no, Mrs. Krabappel, if I don't get a C average my dad won't let me go to Kamp Krusty!

Edna Krabappel:Well, it isn't fair to the other children, but all right.

Changes all Bart's marks to a C-.

Bart: Much obliged, doll!

Bart playfully slaps Edna's bottom.

Edna Krabappel: <chuckles> Oh Bart Simpson, I'm gonna miss you.

Principal Skinner's voice comes over the loud speaker.

Principal Skinner:Attention everyone, this is Principal Skinner. I trust you all remembered to bring in your implements of destruction.

Students reach into their desks and pull out sledgehammers, crowbars and axes. Nelson lights his flamethrower. Bart cocks his machine gun.

Principal Skinner:Now, let's trash this dump!

"Schools Out" by Alice Cooper starts playing. One student, Melissa, cuts a desk in half with a chainsaw. A world globe is tossed out the top window of the school and smashes on the ground. Students throw out chair and books from the windows and the roof, while Nelson sets them all alight with his flamethrower. Groundskeeper Willie drives his tractor through the classrooms and busts out the wall.

Principal Skinner: Somebody put a torch to these permanent records! Quickly now.

Bart is in a wrecking ball. He swings it and it crashes above the schools doors, crushing the Springfield Elementary School sign. The music stops.

Bart: la la la la la, la la, la la la la la, la.

Cut to Bart singing in bed

Bart: la la la la la la…

Homer: Wake up, boy.

Bart: <grumbles> Oh! I dreamt it was the last day of school!

Homer: Well it is!

Bart looks at the calendar which has June 12 circled, and all the previous days crossed out. Triumphant music plays

Bart: Oh, how do I know this isn't some beautiful dream, too?

Homer whacks him on the head with a newspaper.

Bart: Ow! You know, a pinch is more traditional.

Family's eating breakfast noisily. Bart's holding a pamphlet from Kamp Krusty. Marge sees it.

Marge: Homer, you do remember your promise to the children.

Homer: Sure do! When you're 18, you're out the door!

Lisa: No, Dad. You promised if Bart and I got C averages we could go to Kamp Krusty. And with no false modesty, you're looking at one happy camper!

Bart: <nervously> Haha. Yeah, well, just remember when you see my report card they got this whole new grading system this year. It now goes D, B, A, C.

Homer: Now listen, boy. We have an understanding and you better keep your end of it. I don't think I'd be any kind of a father if you got D's and I let you go to Kamp Krusty.

Bart: But Dad!

Homer raises hand to silence Bart.

Homer: Son! If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Homer looks at his lottery ticket

Radio: Seventeen.

Homer: D'oh!

Radio: Thirty-two.

Homer: D'oh!

Radio: Five.

Homer: D'oh!

Radio: Eight.

Homer: Woo-hoo!

Radio: Forty-seven.

Homer: D'oh!

At Springfield Elementary, Principal Skinner's voice is heard over the school loud speakers.

Principal Skinner: Attention students, please clear out your lockers into the wastebaskets provided.

Bart opens his locker.

Bart: 36-24-36. Ha ha ha.

Bart opens his locker to reveal a complete mess. Mushrooms growing in a pot plant, an old gym sock hung up with pencils through it, bubble gum stuck to the wall, and old potato science project growing in a cup, and a variety of other messy things. Bart cracks his knuckles.

Bart: Now, let's see what we got here.

Bart throws out a banana peel, a gym sock and his slingshot before stumbling upon his gym shorts.

Bart: Ah, my gym shorts.

Bart takes out his gym shorts and hits them against his locker. They're stiff as cardboard. He folds them into a paper airplane and throws them.

In Lisa's classroom…

Ms Hoover: Here are your final report cards. I have nothing left to say to any of you. So if nobody minds, let's just quietly run out the clock.

Lisa's report card is all A's apart from a B+ in Conduct.

Lisa: <gasps> I've never gotten a B before. How could this have happened? I feel so dirty.

Lisa tries to get the dirt off her arms.

Lisa: The dirt's not coming off. <breathes heavily> Ok, calm down. This must just be a little typo. <giggles crazily> Oh, Ms. Hoover!

Lisa runs up to Ms Hoover's desk.

Lisa: There appears to be a mistake on my report card. You gave me a B plus in conduct?

Ms. Hoover: Now Lisa, everyone needs a blotch on their permanent record.

Lisa: Perhaps I'm not making myself clear. <giggles> I think you should reconsider.

Lisa presses down hard on Ms. Hoover's hand.

Ms. Hoover: Lisa … you're … hurting me.

Bart waits impatiently for Mrs. Krabappel to fill out his report card.

Bart: Mrs. Krabappel, in figuring out my final grades, I hope you'll note that all of my textbooks are being returned in excellent condition. In some cases, still in their original wrappings!

Mrs. Krabappel: Duly noted.

Bart: I'd also like to add, as I gaze upon your beauty, I've never seen an angel fly so low.

Mrs. Krabappel: Forget it, short pants.

Bart's report card has nothing but D- for every subject.

Bart: Mrs. Krabappel, if I don't get at least a C average, I can't go to Kamp Krusty!

Mrs. Krabappel: Have a 'D-lightful' summer. <laughs>

The classroom clock counts down the last seconds of class.

Lisa's classroom: Five!

Teacher's lounge: Four!

Otto: Three!

Wendell: Two!

Nurse: Don't open your mouth.

Milhouse: One.

The classroom bell rings. All the children of the school run outside. The school's large bell chimes. One of the school's teachers runs out.

Teacher: Wait a minute! You didn't learn how World War II ended!

The students pause their celebrations to hear the answer.

Teacher: We won!

Class: Yay! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Principal Skinner looks out his window at a bunch of kids trying to push over a Volkswagen.

Principal Skinner: Mmm, I haven't seen such unfettered hurly-burly since the fall of Saigon. Well, William. Another school year gone by.

Groundskeeper Willie: And may I say, a job well done, sir.

Principal Skinner: Well, back to work then. Make sure to give those toilets a good scrubbing! We want the old girls sparkling when I get back.

Groundskeeper Willie: Aye, sir. You silk-wearing buttercup.

Otto's driving a bus full of rowdy children home.

Otto: All right! Three whole months of Spaghetti-Os and daytime TV!

Lisa sits next to Bart who has a diamond cutter's monocle in one eye as he attempts to change all his D minuses into A pluses.

Lisa: So Bart, will you be joining me in the bucolic splendor of Kamp Krusty?

Bart: You bet. Check out this hand: All aces.

Lisa: <laughs> A plus! Oh, Bart, why didn't you at least forge plausible grades?

Bart: Oh….

At home, Bart watches an advertisement for Kamp Krusty on TV.

Krusty: Hi, kids! Only one week left to sign up for the bestest summer ever at Kamp Krusty.

Krusty laughs as he does all sorts of tricks on a horse. He leaps off and lands in front of the camera.

Krusty: Kamp Krusty is built on an actual Indian burial ground. We've got archery, wallet-making, the whole megillah. <laughs> And for you fat kids, my exclusive program of diet and ridicule will really get results!

A fat kid standing next to Krusty suddenly changes into a skinny kid, and Krusty is gobsmacked.

Krusty: And the best part is, if you come to Kamp Krusty, you'll spend the summer with me! Honest Injun!

Bart looks at his report card full of forged A pluses.

Bart: Well, here goes nothin'.

Homer's outside mowing the lawn. He mows over anything in his way: a newspaper, the hose, a ball, a doll. He mows over a roller-skate and the motor stops working.

Homer: D'oh! Stupid roller-skate.

Bart: Well, Dad, here's my report card. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Homer: <incredulously> A-plus? You don't think much of me, do you, boy?

Bart: No, sir.

Homer: You know a D turns into a B so easily. You just got greedy.

Bart: So I won't get to go to camp?

Homer: Now Bart, we made this deal because I thought it would help you get good grades. And you didn't. But why should you pay for my mistake?

Bart: You mean I can go?

Homer: Yeah. I didn't want you hangin' around all summer anyway.

Bart: Oh, Dad, you're the best father a boy could ever have.

Homer: Thanks, son. Now you've got little hands. Can you reach under that mower and pull out that skate?

Bart reaches down to pull out the skate but jumps backwards as the lawnmower starts up again.

Homer: Psh, never mind.

Marge hums while she packs Bart's suitcase for camp.

Marge: Bart, where's your bathing suit?

Bart: I'm gonna swim nekkid!

Marge: You're what?

Bart: Ah sure, there'll be a couple of uptight counselors who won't dig the Bart philosophy but I feel the human body is a thing of beauty.

Homer walks in wearing nothing but his underwear.

Homer: Marge, am I crazy, or is my back getting hairier?

Lisa visits Dr. Hibbert before she goes to camp.

Lisa: Before I go to camp I'll need boosters for malaria, German measles, encephalitis, Hansen's disease…

Dr. Hibbert: Oh, now I'm afraid what we have here is an advanced case of hypochondria. There's only one known cure: A wowwipop. <chuckles>

Lisa: Don't patronize me, doctor.

Back home, the family is seated at the dinner table.

Marge: It's our last family dinner for six weeks, but I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

The family noisily munches their food.

Marge: <crying> Oh, I'm going to miss this.

Homer grabs a pickle off Bart's plate.

Bart: Hey! Hands off my pickle!

Homer: I don't see your name on it, boy.

Bart: No, but: <licks it>

Homer: Oh, yeah? <puts it in milk> Check…mate!

Bart: Always thinking two moves ahead.

The students are gathered around the school bus with their parents.

Martin Prince, Sr.: We'll see you when you get back from image-enhancement camp.

Martin Prince: Spare me your euphemisms. It's fat camp for Daddy's chubby little secret.

Martin Prince, Sr.: You promised you wouldn't make a scene.

Marge: <kisses Bart> Goodbye, my special little guy. <kisses Lisa> Lisa, watch out for Poison Ivy. Remember: "Leaves of three, let it be."

Homer: "Leaves of four, eat some more!'' <laughs>

The students board the bus.

Marge: Goodbye, sweetie.

Bart and Lisa: Goodbye, Mom and Dad.

Homer: Bye.

Lisa: I'll write to you every day.

Bart: Don't look in my closet. In fact, stay out of my room altogether.

Lisa: If the pets die, don't replace them. I'll know!

The parents wave as the bus drives into the horizon. As soon as the bus has gone, all the parents cheer. One parent pops some champagne.

Woman: So long! Don't come back!

A sign reads, "Kamp Krusty: The Krustiest Place On Earth". The school bus drives over a wooden bridge, which then collapses.

Krusty: <on TV> Hi, Kids! Welcome to Kamp Krusty! <laughs> I'll see you in a few weeks! Until then, I've turn things over to my bestest buddy in the whole wide world, Mr. Black>. I want you to treat Mr. Black with the same respect you would give me. Now here's Mr. Black.

Mr.Black turns off the TV.

Mr. Black: Thank you, Krusty, and welcome, children. I am Mr. Black, your head counselor. For the past 15 years I was president of Euro-Krustyland. Until it blew up. I'll take any questions you might have. You. And then, uh, one more.

Milhouse: Can we call you Uncle Blackie?

Mr. Black: No. Last question.

Bart: When do we get to see Krusty?

Mr. Black: Ahh, he will be along eventually. In the meantime, our counselors, Dolph, Jimbo and Kearney will be happy to handle any problems you may have.

Mr. Black leaves and all the students sit in silence, staring at the three bullies.

Wendell: <coughs>

Jimbo: Looks like we got ourselves a troublemaker.

Kearney grabs Wendell by the shirt and carries him off. At home, Homer sneaks into the bathroom where Marge is having a shower.

Homer: <chuckles>

Marge: You can have the shower to yourself, Homie. I'm finished.

Homer: Oh, no, you're not.

Marge: Oh….

Homer: <chuckles>

Bart, Lisa and others are shown to their cabin.

Kearney: Here's your cabin. If you don't like it, T.S.

Kearney opens the door and a chicken flies out.

Lisa: <gasps>

Kearney throws them in and slams the door. Inside, it's dark and spooky. A snake slithers between Lisa's legs and out the door.

Lisa: This is a little more rustic than I expected.

Bart: I'm not worried, Lis. You know why? Because of this: Krusty Brand seal of approval. You can only find it on products which meet the high standards of Krusty the Clown.

Krusty is busy looking at a Krusty the Clown clock that he should be testing. He touches the clock's head and burns his finger.

Krusty: Ow!

Guy: Oops! I shoulda warned ya. That clock gets incredibly hot if you leave it plugged in. Ha.

Krusty: That's okay. Ahh, all this stuff is fine. Now I'm off to Wimbledon!''

The students are gathered around a bonfire toasting pinecones on sticks.

Bart: Don't we get to roast marshmallows?

Dolph: Shut up and eat your pinecone.

Kearney throws a tire onto the fire and pours on some Gas. The fire explodes. Down at the river the next day, Kearney's trying to get Lisa to get into an old boat full of holes.

Lisa: Uh, are your sure that's safe?

Kearney: Well, it ain't gettin' any safer.

Lisa tries to step in but the rope breaks and the boat snaps in half. All the children gasp.

Meanwhile, at the "Chief Starving Bear Weight Loss Center", the drill sergeant is trying to get the fat campers to do some pull-ups.

Drill Sergeant: All right, you balls of pan drippings! I wanna see Crisco coming out of those pores! We're not leaving until this Christmas ham gives me a pull-up.

The campers gather around to sing the camp song.

Campers: Hail to thee, Kamp Krusty,
By the shores of Big Snake Lake.
Though your swings are rusty,
We know they'll never break.

Jimbo: Louder! Faster!

Campers: From your gleaming mess hall,
To your hallowed baseball field,
To your spic-and-span infirmary,
Where all our wounds are healed.
Hail to thee, Kamp Krusty,
Below Mount Avalanche.
We will always love Kamp Krusty,
A registered trademark of the Krusty Corporation,
All rights reserved!

The bleachers creak, and break. All the campers fall.

Campers: Oh!

It's lunchtime, and Dolph serves a glob of grey gloop onto Lisa's plate.

Lisa: You're serving us gruel?

Dolph: Not quite. This is Krusty Brand Imitation Gruel. Nine out of ten orphans can't tell the difference.

In Mr. Black's cabin, the bullies and Mr.Black sit back in their chairs, smoking cigars, drinking wine, and dining on mass amounts of food.

Jimbo: Yo, Mr. Black, another brandy.

Mr. Black: Gentlemen, to Evil!

Back in the bedroom, Marge is under the covers and Homer tells her good news.

Homer: Marge, since the kids left, I lost five pounds!

Marge: Oh, that's wonderful.

Homer: And look, new hair! I'm this close to having a comb-over. <meows>

Marge: <giggles>

Homer: Hehe.

Marge: Oh.

In Bart and Lisa's cabin, they're tucked into bed and freezing to death. Dolph and Jimbo open the door.

Dolph: Lights out, losers.

Jimbo: Yeah, we're meeting some tail on the other side of the lake.

Jimbo and Dolph: <chuckle>

Jimbo locks the cabin door.

Lisa: I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart.

Bart: We're all gonna die, Lis.

Lisa: I meant soon.

Bart: So did I.

Meanwhile, at Wimbledon…

Krusty: Mmm. Strawberries. <slurps> Ah, that's good. Hey, Lendl! Choke! Choke! Yeah!

Man: Point and game, Becker. And will the harlequin in the third row please keep his voice down.

Krusty: <laughs> Sorry, folks. <chuckles> Sorry, Your Majesty.

Queen: Humph.

Marge writes a letter to Bart and Lisa.

Marge: Dear kids, I hope this letter finds you well. We are doing great. Your father is in the best shape he's been since… well, ever!

Homer does one-armed push-ups on the floor, with Maggie on his back.

Homer: Size. Strength. Agility.

Marge: We miss you terribly. I hope these jellybean cookies will tide you over until you get home.

Kearney finishes eating the jellybean cookies.

Kearney: Hey, Simpson. Tell your mom her cookies sucked.

Lisa: Oh.

Lisa starts to write a letter back.

Lisa: Dear Mom and Dad, I no longer fear hell because I've been to Kamp Krusty. Our nature hikes have become grim death marches.

Milhouse falls down.

Milhouse: Oh. A snake bit me.

Kearney: Back in line, maggot.

Lisa: Our arts-and-crafts center is, in actuality, a Dickensian workhouse.

Jiimbo: Come on, wimps. These Gucci wallets have to be on the streets of Hong Kong by Friday.

Lisa: Bart makes it through the days relying on his unwavering belief that Krusty the Clown will come through.

Bart: Krusty is coming. Krusty is coming. Krusty's coming.

Lisa:But I am far more pessimistic.

Lisa, draped in a shawl, gives her letter and a bottle of alcohol as payment to a man on horseback.

Lisa: I am not sure if this letter will reach you, as our lines of communication have been cut.

Man: Giddy-up.

Lisa:Now, the effort of writing has made me lightheaded so I close by saying, save us, save us now! Bart and Lisa.

Homer: <chuckles> Ah, kids' letters from camp.

Marge: She complains now, but when we go to pick her up, she won't wanna leave.

The cabin roof is blown away by strong winds. Everyone clings desperately to avoid being blown away.

Bart: Lisa, I've been thinking it over. Next summer I'm getting a job.

Homer, Marge and Maggie are out having a picnic.

Marge: Oh. Homer, it's getting late. We'll miss the fireworks.

Homer: Marge, we've got all the fireworks we need right here

Homer reveals the picnic basket full of fireworks.

Mr. Black speaks before the campers.

Mr. Black: Well, kids, uh, I promised you a little treat in lieu of dinner, and here it is. The man who took an abandoned mule tannery and turned it into a summer wonderland: Mr. Krusty the Clown.

Bart: See, I told you Krusty would come. Just like I said. He he. He's gonna bring us food and water and smite our enemies!

Barney, dressed as Krusty the Clown, stumbles onto stage.

Mr. Black: Now, I must tell you kids, uh, Krusty has laryngitis and a bad back so he won't be saying anything, or doing anything.

Milhouse: Krusty looks fat.

Lisa: He's really having trouble keeping his balance.

Ralph: He's still funny, but not "ha-ha" funny.

Bart: That's not Krusty the Clown!

Campers: <gasp>

Mr. Black: What do you think? I slapped a clown suit on some wino? <chuckles nervously>

Barney: Yeah, Bart. I am so Krunchy the Clown! <belches>

Bart: All right, that's it! I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from those Krusty Brand vitamins, my Krusty calculator didn't have a 7 or an 8, and Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions, but this time he's gone too far! We want Krusty!

Campers: We want Krusty! We want Krusty!

Barney: Yeah, we want Krunchy! We want Krunchy!

Mr. Black: I thought you said you broke their spirits.

Jimbo: We did.

Mr. Black: You broke nothing!

Bart: Let's get 'em!

Mr. Black: To the hydrofoil!

Bart uses an ax to open the gate to the "Chief Starving Bear Weight Loss Center".

Bart: My chunky brothers, gorge yourselves at the trough of freedom!

Martin: Ah, sweet, nourishing gruel.

Lisa gives out undelivered mail to the campers.

Lisa: Kowalski!

Kowalski: My brownies!

Lisa: Wiggum!

Ralph: A change of underwear.

Lisa: Crandall!

Crandall: My insulin!

Bart lowers the "Kamp Krusty" flag and raises a flag saying "Camp Bart".

Lisa: Bart, you said you were gonna name it "Camp Freedom".

Bart: Eh. This has more zing.

The Queen is about to knight Krusty.

The Queen: I dub thee, Sir…

Servant: Urgent call for Mr. Clown.

Krusty: This better be important. <answers phone> Oy gevalt!

Homer and Marge exercise to a television yoga class.

Zadume Magarabad: Just let your head flop back and forward. Your neck is a well-cooked piece of asparagus.

News Reporter: We interrupt Zadume Magarabad's Yoga Party for this special bulletin: Krisis at Kamp Krusty.

Marge: <gasps>

Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan and Iraq, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together.

Campers: Burn, Krusty, Burn! Burn, Krusty, Burn!

Kent Brockman: A group of school-age Spartacuses has taken this camp by force. Three counselors are missing and presumed scared. What's that? I'm being told I can have an exclusive interview with the ringleader.

Homer: Don't be the boy. Don't be the boy.

Bart is the ringleader.

Homer: D'oh!

Homer immediately loses his hair and regains his gut.

Bart: I just want the whole world to know that this was a really crappy camp. <covers mic with his hand> Can I say "crappy" on TV?

Kent: Yes, on this network you can.

Krusty arrives via helicopter and is swooned upon by the media.

Reporter #1: Is it true you attempted suicide when you heard the news?

Reporter #2: Are you and Princess Di just friends?

Krusty: You people make me sick! You're vultures! Where were you when I sang at Farm Aid? Out of my way, you parasites! I said, out of my way!

Krusty punches a cameraman.

Krusty: I'm no fake. I'm the real Krusty!

Lisa:Oh, yeah? Who played your daughter in the short-lived sitcom President Clown?

Krusty: I don't know her name, but she held up a liquor store last year.

Bart: I smell Bacon. Let's see if he's wearing a wire.

The campers start tearing off Krusty's shirt.

Krusty: Hey. Oh…oh…not the face!

Campers: <gasp>

Lisa: It is the real Krusty. Look at that pacemaker scar, the cattle-skull birthmark, and his famous superfluous nipple.

Krusty: Well, at least you're not as bad as customs.

Bart: How could you, Krusty? I'd never lend my name to an inferior product.

Krusty: Ohh, they drove a dump truck full of money up to my house. I'm not made of stone! <sobs>

Bart: Krusty, this camp was a nightmare! They fed us gruel, they forced us to make wallets for export, and one of the campers was eaten by a bear!

Krusty: Oh, my God!

Bart: Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat.

Krusty: Was it a nice hat?

Bart: Oh yeah.

Krusty: Oh, my God! Well, I'm gonna make it all up to you. I'm gonna show you kids the time of your life. Get ready for two weeks at the happiest place on earth: Tijuana!

Kids: Yay!

"South of the Border" is played while vacation pictures are shown. The song continues over the credits.

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