Homer The Heretic

Homer: <thinking> Ah, another beautiful day in the womb.

Homer swims around in the womb singing "The Blue Danube" by Strauss. Suddenly, arms grab him and start to pull him out.

Homer: <gasping> Let go! Let go! I'm all naked and wet!

Marge: Get up, Homer. It's time for church.

Homer: I don't wanna go.

Marge: It's church. You have to go.

Homer: Too cold out.

A polar bear is going through their trashcans.

Marge: I'm tired of having this argument every Sunday. Get dressed.

Homer: Oh, stupid, itchy church pants. <grunting> One size fits all, my butt!

Marge: Come on. We're going to be late.

Homer's pants tear.

Homer: Forget it. I'm not going.

Marge: <grumbles>

Marge, Lisa, Bart and Maggie all drive to church without Homer.

Bart: Hey, where's Homer?

Marge: Your father's … resting.

Bart: "Resting" hungover, "resting" got fired? Help me out here.

Meanwhile, Homer is all wrapped up in bed.

Homer: Ahhh, I'm just a big, toasty cinnamon bun. I never wanna leave this bed. Uh-oh. Gotta take a whiz. Think, man. Think. Think, think, think. Oh, I better get up.

Homer goes to the toilet.

Homer: I'm whizzin' with the door open, and I love it!

Homer has a shower.

Homer: <sings> Why, oh, why, Delilah! Brrrah!

No Soap Radio: It's 11 KBBL degrees below zero. I hope you're someplace warm.

Homer: You bet your sweet … ass! <chuckles>

At church, everyone is freezing.

Reverend Lovejoy: I'm afraid our furnace isn't working.

Man: Yeah, what's the story?

Reverend Lovejoy: But let's just put it out of our minds and turn to the lamentations of Jeremiah … long version. Joy is gone from our hearts. Our dancing has turned to mourning.

At home, Homer cranks the heater and the record player. "Short Shorts" by the Royal Teens starts playing and Homer dances along.

Record Player: Who wears short shorts?

Homer: I wear short shorts.

Homer goes to the fridge.

Homer: The perfect chance to make my patented, space-age, out-of-this-world moon waffles. Let's see here. Caramels. Waffle batter. Liquid smoke. Oooh, waffle runoff. Mmm, fattening.

Back at the church…

Reverend Lovejoy: And he was cast into the fiery cauldron of hell! The searing heat, the scalding rivers of molten sulfur!

Bart: Ahhh, I'm there.

Back home, Homer drops some ice-cream on his chest.

Homer: Uh-oh. <whistles> Here, boy.

Santa's Little Helper comes in and licks the chocolate ice-cream off his chest.

Homer: <laughing> Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Reverend Lovejoy: The service has ended. Go in peace.

The church organ plays as everyone goes to leave.

Flanders: <grunting> The door's frozen shut. And it's the only way out!

Crowd: <chattering>

Lisa: Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be…

Bart: Lisa, this is neither the time nor the place.

Back home, Homer's listening to the radio while drinking out of a mug.

Man #1: That was Johnny Calhoun with "Gonna Find Me a Genie With a Magic Bikini.

Man #2: Haha, 'course Johnny's next record was a spoken word album of his right-wing political views. It kinda killed his career. If you can tell me the name of that album, call our contest line now.

Homer: <gasps> I know that!

Homer goes through his records and finds it. He rings up the radio station.

Homer: Hello? This is Homer Simpson.

Man #1: Homer, can you name that title?

Homer: "This Things I Believe."

Man #2: Uh, can we accept that?

The sound of a cash register ringing is heard down the phone.

Homer: Woo-hoo!

At the church, Groundskeeper Willie is busy unfreezing the door.

Reverend Lovejoy: How's that door coming, Willie?

Groundskeeper Willie: Miracles are your department, Reverend.

Reverend Lovejoy: Uh, while we're waiting, why don't I read from the Sunday bulletin? Card table for sale. Top badly damaged. Leg missing. Otherwise fine. One dollar or best offer.

Homer and the cat are on the couch at home watching TV.

Woman on TV: You must be the three chiropractors I sent for. Now, start manipulating my spine.

Curly: Hey, Moe, we don't know nothin' about manipulatin'.

Moe: You heard the lady. Grab her spine and get crackin'.

The sound of a spine cracking is heard.

Homer: <chuckling> Moe is their leader.

Curly: <whooping>

Moe: Why, you!

Sound of head being hit.

Curly: Hey!

Groundskeeper Willie nearly has the doors open.

Groundskeeper Willie: <grunting> Huzzah!

Reverend Lovejoy: Plea-Please, Christians, don't push.

Bart: Excuse me. Pardon me. Whoop. Coming through. Howya doing? Love that hat, baby.

Homer's still watching TV.

Homer: Come on, TV. Give me some of that sweet, sweet pap!

Man on TV: Well, let's define our terms, gentlemen. Are we talking about redistricting or are we talking about reapportionment?

Homer: Oh, well, can't win 'em all.

Man: We interrupt this public affairs program to bring you a football game.

Homer: Yes!

Marge is in her car trying to start it. The engine won't turn over, and Marge imitates the sound.

Lisa: Give it a little more gas.

Marge pumps on the pedal.

Lisa: No, no, that's too much. You know what I think would help?

Marge: What?! What would help?!

Lisa: Nothing.

Homer is still watching TV.

Announcer: Oh, doctor, a 98-yard triple reverse ties the score at 63-63! We have seen nothing but razzle-dazzle, here today three visits from Morganna the Kissing Bandit and the astonishing return of Jim Brown.

Homer: Woo-hoo!

Homer looks down on the floor and sees a Penny.

Homer: <gasps> Is that what I think it is?

Abraham Lincoln: Mm-hmm.

Homer: I found … a penny! Could this be the best day of my life?

Homer imagines his wedding, a toppled beer truck in which he's dancing around in beer.

Homer: Looks like we have a new champion.

The family arrives home.

Homer: Ah, my beloved family. How was church?

Bart: Get bent, you old bat.

Lisa: Just fun. Fun, that's what it is.

Marge: <snorts>

Homer: I, on the other hand, have been having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to skipping church.

Marge: That's a terrible thing to say! Kids, your father doesn't really mean that.

Homer: Like fun I don't. Marge, I'm never going to church again!

Marge: Homer, are you actually giving up your faith?

Homer: No! No, no, no, no, no, no. Well, yes.

Marge: I can't believe you're giving up church, Homer.

Homer: Hey, what's the big deal about going to some building every Sunday? I mean, isn't God everywhere?

Bart: Amen, brother.

Homer: And don't you think that the Almighty has better things to worry about than where one little guy spends one measly hour of his week?

Bart: Tell it, Daddy.

Homer: And what if we pick the wrong religion? Every week we're just making God madder and madder.

Bart: Testify!

Marge: <grumbles>

That night, Marge is saying prayers for Homer.

Marge: Lord, my husband is by no means perfect, but he's a kind, decent man. Please show him the error of his ways.

Homer: Marge, come to bed.

Marge: No, Homer. He doesn't mean to be sacrilegious, Lord. He just likes to sleep in on Sundays.

Homer: Marge. Come to bed, Marge.

Marge: <whispering> Lord, please. He's not a bad person, Lord, really. He just sometimes…

Homer: It's good for what ails ya.

Marge: He doesn't mean any harm.

Homer: I can wait all…<snoring>

Homer starts dreaming that he's down on the couch watching TV. Suddenly there's a loud rumble and God lifts off the roof to Homer's house.

Homer: <gulps> God?

God: Thou has forsaken my church!

Homer: Well, kind of, but…

God: But what?

Homer: I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?

God: Hmm, you've got a point there. You know, sometimes even I'd rather be watching football. Does St. Louis still have a

Homer: No, they moved to Phoenix.

God: Oh, yeah.

Homer: You know what I really hate about church? Those boring sermons.

God: Oh, I couldn't agree more. That Reverend Lovejoy really displeases me. I think I'll give him a canker sore.

Homer: Give him one for me.

God: I will.

Homer: So I figure I should just try to live right and worship you in my own way.

God: Homer, it's a deal. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to appear on a tortilla in Mexico.

The next day, Homer is walking around his garden in a robe.

Lisa: Dad, can I ask you a question?

Homer: Sure, honey.

Lisa: Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy?

Homer: Don't worry, sweetheart. If I'm wrong, I'll recant on my deathbed. Hello, my animal friends. Peace be with you.

Homer goes to the shower and the animals are still on his shoulders.

Homer: Guys, please, could you give me five minutes?

Marge has Reverend Jovejoy around for dinner.

Marge: Reverend Lovejoy, I had a bit of an ulterior motive in inviting you to dinner.

Reverend Lovejoy: What?!

Marge: No, it's nothing bad. I'm just concerned because my husband hasn't been attending your services lately.

Homer: Well, I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing but then God himself told me I should seek a new path.

Reverend Lovejoy: Oh, really?

Homer: Yeah. He appeared before me in a dream, and I knew that was special because I usually dream about naked … Marge.

Marge: <groans>

Bart: So, Homer, you saw the big cheese? What'd he look like?

Homer: Perfect teeth, nice smell, a class act all the way.

Marge: Homer, you're crazy! Tell him this is all crazy.

Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26. The foolish man who built his house on sand.

Homer: And you remember … Matthew 21 :17.

Reverend Lovejoy: "And he left them and went out of the city into Bethany and he lodged there"?

Homer: Yeah. Think about it.

Homer's down at Moe's.

Homer: Hello, work? This is Homer Simpson. I won't be coming in tomorrow. Religious holiday. The, uh, Feast of Maximum Occupancy.

Moe: Pretty slick.

Homer: You should join my religion, Moe. It's great. No hell, no kneeling…

Moe: Sorry, Homer. I was born a snake handler, and I'll die a snake handler.

Back at home the doorbell rings. Homer answers it.

Flanders: Neighbor, I heard about your heresy, and we've made it our mission to win you back to the flock.

Homer: No sale.

Flanders: Homer, Christian life isn't all praying and sacrifice. Hey, dig this.

Flanders Family: God said to Noah, there's gonna be a flood-y, flood-y.

Homer slams the door. At Homer's work, Homer's awoken by his phone.

Flanders Family: Rain came down. It started to get muddy muddy.

Homer's driving home when Ned drives up next to him and asks him to lower his window.

Flanders Family: Get those animals <clap> out on the ark-y ark-y.

Homer: Leave me alone.

Todd: Dad, the heathen's getting away.

Flanders: I see him, son.

Ned floors it and drives after Homer. Homer jumps the tracks in front of the train, and Ned drives through the train. Homer drives off the edge of a peer onto a boat full of garbage. Ned slams on his breaks.

Flanders: Ah!

Homer: <laughs> Where are we going?

Guy: Garbage Island.

The boat's horn blares.

Back home, Bart, Lisa, Homer and Maggie watch Itchy and Scratchy in "Flay Me To The Moon".

Family: <laughing>

Marge: Let's go, kids.

Bart: How come we have to go to church and Dad gets to stay home and watch cartoons?

Marge: <groans> I have a responsibility to raise these children right, and unless you change, I'll have to tell them their father is … well, wicked.

Homer: Kids, let me tell you about another so-called "wicked" guy. He had long hair and some wild idea, and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was … I forget. But the point is … I forget that too. Marge, you know who I'm talking about. He used to drive that blue car.

Marge: Kids, could you wait outside for us? Homer, please don't make me choose between my man and my God because you just can't win.

Homer: There you go again. Always taking someone else's side. Flanders, the water department, God.

Marge: I'm only going to ask you one last time. Are you sure you won't come with us to church?

Man on TV: Coming up next: make your own ladder.

Homer: Very sure.

At church.

Reverend Lovejoy: My friends, the devil walks among us!

Congregation: <chattering>

Bart grabs a man that looks like the devil.

Bart: I got him!

Reverend Lovejoy: No, don't look for the pitchfork and pointy tail. Today's devil has assumed a more seductive form … pleasing to the eye.

Homer: Ah … an interview with Lorne Michaels. Ah. Wait, that's no good. Hey, now we're talking. "Our unabashed dictionary defines I.U.D. as "love springs internal." <laughs> I don't get it.

The doorbell rings.

Krusty: Hello. I'm collecting for the Brotherhood of Jewish Clowns. Last year, tornadoes claimed the lives of 75 Jewish clowns. The worst incident was during our convention in Lubbock, Texas. There were floppy shoes and rainbow wigs everywhere. It was terrible! <sobs>

Homer: Wait a minute. Is this a religious thing?

Krusty: A religious clown thing, yes.

Homer: Sorry.

Krusty: Well, bless you any…

Homer closes the door.

Reverend Lovejoy: Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy!

Homer's a the Kwik-E-Mart buying a Crate-O-Duff and some cigars.

Homer: Apu, I see you're not in church.

Apu:Oh, but I am. I have a shrine to Ganesha, the god of worldly wisdom, located in the employee lounge.

Homer: Hey, Ganesha, want a peanut?

Apu: Please do not offer my god a peanut.

Homer: No offense, Apu, but when they were handing out religions you must've been out taking a whiz.

Apu: Mr. Simpson, please pay for your purchases and get out and come again.

Reverend Lovejoy: Pride goeth before destruction!

Homer: Boy, everyone is stupid except me.

Homer falls asleep on the couch holding a beer and a cigar. The cigar falls onto a Playdude and starts a fire.

Homer: <snoring> Marge, turn down the heat. That's better.

Homer: <snoring>

Santa's Little Helper runs in. He chews at Homer's pocket and a Hershey's chocolate bar falls out. He runs off with it. Some fire runs up a phone line onto the couch and singes Homer's hair.

Homer: <screams> Fire! What do I do? What do I do? <coughing> Oh, the song. The song. When a fire starts to burn, there's a lesson you must learn. Something, something, then you'll see, you'll avoid catastrophe. D'oh! <coughing>

Homer faints. Apu spots fire coming from Homer's house.

Apu: <gasps> Fire at the old Simpson place!

He puts on his fire helmet and jacket.

Apu: You're on your honor not to steal anything.

Kearney: Oh, we won't.

Apu picks up Jamshed and puts him on the counter.

Apu: Little Jamshed, the store is in your hands.

Jamshed: How I have waited for this day. <cocks shotgun>

Dolph, Kearney and Jimbo all look stunned.

The fire engine speeds towards the fire. It has to stop for a family of ducks crossing the road.

Ducks: <quack>

Apu: You ducks are really trying my patience! But you're so cute.

Ned runs up to Homer's window and seems Homer lying on the floor.

Flanders: Homer! Homer!

Ned kicks in the door, picks up Homer and tries to get back out, but a plank of wood that's on fire falls and blocks his escape.

Flanders: No!

The floor gives way and Ned falls through it, only surviving by holding onto Homer who's stuck in the gap.

Homer: <moans>

Ned climbs back up and carries Homer upstairs. He throws a mattress out of the window and gets ready to throw Homer out.

Flanders: Dear Lord, may your loving hand guide Homer to the mattress, square and true.

Ned pushes Homer out the window who hits the mattress and bounces back in through the bottom window.

Flanders: Okay.

Ned follows Homer with a twist. He then carries Homer back out the window. The fire engine finally arrives.

[Siren Wailing]

Homer: <coughs> Flanders, you saved me. Why?

Flanders: Heck, you'd have done the same for me.

Homer imagines Ned trapped in his burning house, while Homer lies in his hammock.

Flanders: Help! Help!

Homer: <laughs>

Homer comes back to reality.

Homer: That's right, old friend.

Bart and Lisa: Dad!

Marge: Oh, Homie, are you all right?

Homer: Our magazines and roach traps, gone. All gone.

Krusty runs out of the house with the cat on his face.

Snowball II: <screeching>

Krusty: I saved your cat. Ow! That hurt.

Barney: Hey, what are these axes for?

Chief Wiggum: I don't know. Chopping stuff.

Barney: Gotcha.

Barney starts chopping the letterbox.

Chief Wiggum: Uh, that's some nice chopping.

Lisa: Truly, this was an act of God.

Ned's house catches alight.

Homer: Hey, wait a minute. Flanders is a regular Charlie Church and God didn't save his house.

A cloud forms over the fire on Ned's house and puts it out, then a rainbow appears.

Homer: D'oh!

Total Disaster Insurance Guy: Any valuables in the house?

Homer: Well, the Picasso, my collection of classic cars—

Total Disaster Insurance Guy: Sorry. This policy only covers actual losses, not made-up stuff.

Homer: Well, that's just great.

Kent Brockman: Fire, man's oldest foe. Insatiable, remorseless, unquenchable.

Chief Wiggum: Hey, it's out.

Everyone: <cheering>

Kent Brockman: Coming up next, "Which Work Better: Springy Clothespins or the Other Kind?"

Homer: You know, I have a feeling there's a lesson here.

Marge: Yes, the lesson is…

Homer: No, don't tell me. I'll get it. Oh, I know. The Lord is vengeful. Oh, spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten.

Flanders: Ha, Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.

Reverend Lovejoy: No, but he was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they went to your aid, be they Christian, Jew or… miscellaneous.

Apu: Hindu. There are 700 million of us.

Reverend Lovejoy: Aw, that's super.

Homer: I was rude to every one of you, and you saved my life when you could have just left me to fry like the proverbial pancake that I am.

Marge: Oh, Homie, I'm so glad to hear you say that.

Reverend Lovejoy: Now, would you give church another try?

Homer: I'll be there next Sunday, front row, center.

The next Sunday, Homer's in church.

Homer: <snores>

Homer dreams that he's up in Heaven with God.

God: Don't feel bad, Homer. Nine out of ten religions fail in their first year.

Ben Franklin: That's game, Hendrix!

Homer: God, I gotta ask you something. What's the meaning of life?

God: Homer, I can't tell you that.

Homer: Come on.

God: You'll find out when you die.

Homer: I can't wait that long.

God: You can't wait six months?

Homer: No, tell me now.

God: Well, okay. The meaning of life is …

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License